I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
