the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
