I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
