My liver just broke up with me...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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