hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Randomize
