Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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