i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
