Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
