and she was petting her beer can
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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