Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
