You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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