so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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