i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
