Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
