dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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