She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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