4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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