you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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