Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
