She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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