The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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