Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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