i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
