Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
