Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
