Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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