Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
