We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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