I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's the barista slut.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
