omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
