thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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