Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
