I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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