I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
