I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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