I hate your face
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
