I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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