we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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