everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
