did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Randomize
