my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think my moral compass just broke
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
