oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
