i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
