I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
