I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
