I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
