I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
