my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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