every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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