Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
