I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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