Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
