my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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