The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
