Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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