he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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