If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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