I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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