Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
