I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
what day is it and did you see me today?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
